As I had said on the side of my blog... this is my way of letting go.. as much as I can. If ever you want to be taken off the list..please just let me know.. I won't be mad or hurt, I know that there are times I can beat a dead horse but like I said this is my outlet. So lets get with the topic that is making me crazy.
As most of you know I have worked for the Police Department for nearly 9 years... a long time when your my age!!! I have worked long hot hours, I have finger printed 100 kids in one event numerous times, I have had boogers smeared on my nice pressed duty shirt, I have had good times/memories, the kids are always precious, boogers and all...and I have the hurtful memories..
I have had mother's fight me to get to their dead children, and then faint in my arms, I have held a lifeless 1 month old baby boy while standing in the rain with the young mother begging me to save her baby, her screams I will never forget the look on her young face, the rain falling, the baby blue even in the dark, his little legs dangling, and me trying my best to breath life back into him... I sat with his little body in the hospital, I held him so he wouldn't be alone until his mother could bear the pain, I remember his little body wrapped in that white blanket, he was so small, so innocent, it was so painful. Lt. Arrington was the only one to ask me if I was ok...He really cares, but how can I be ok, if I were what kind of person am I? No one else cared that I held that poor baby, I felt the water come out of his nose into my mouth, I felt the coolness of his little body... dear god how do we do this. I went to the next call.. I went to the next day...You are an officer, that is all that mean man cares about as far as he is concerned with me. I fought the dreams, I often wonder how that young couple is coping with the loss of their infant son, What little I pray, I pray. When the mother asked me what she should tell her daughter, I tell her to say her baby brother was taken way to early...
I went on...
I remember my friend's daughter being mangled in that horrible car accident on 199. Strange thing, I guess to deal with the scene.. I still can feel that damn rain on my face again...I shut my eyes and see her beautiful red hair tangled in the wreckage, wet with blood and rain... her stunning blue eyes looking at the world, lifeless again. I see a penny that had fallen from her car...it was on the street, the blood running around it because the rain had thinned it so... All I could do was focus on that copper penny... dear god, she was so young, pretty, alive... on the way home from registering for college. I had a son her age, I could not survive such a lose.. to think my baby wrapped in the wreckage, alone, hurt, bleeding, in the rain, cold, gone, my baby... it is unimaginable for any parent at any age... yet someone called her mother, got to make sure mom gets to see the wreckage... Mom shows up, she doesn't believe it is her daughter.. I know it is her daughter, her driver's license show it is... Oh no, I know her mother... oh my god what am I going to say to this woman who will remember every horrible word I say to her. We are friends how do I help her, I do my job the best I can. My friend is not a weak woman, she is my size, but has the element of hurt and fear on her side. She begs me to tell her that it is not her baby girl. Her eyes are filled with absolute disbelief, her body is shaking, she is crying while we stand in that damn rain. I tell her the gentlest way I can..but there are no gentle words to tell someone their 19yrs. baby layes mangled in a car 75 feet away, covered by that dreaded symbolic white sheet. I assure you there is no way to "gently break" such news. I hang my head, I try desperately to hide my tears, I am a police officer, I have to stay in control, that is what I am told. I can't hide the tears. I tell her that she can not go to her daughter. She screams the most blood curdling scream I have ever heard. It has sunk in that I am telling her the horrible truth. I, Rexanne am destroying this woman's, my friend's world at that very moment. She begins to move towards the wreckage. I tell her she doesn't need to see her baby that way... She begs me, "Please, Rexanne, Please, I don't care, I'll do what you say, please she can't be down there alone. I can't just leave her alone there." I tell her again, I can't I just can't, you can't deal with it. She begins to fight me, she is a mother without her cub.. she is racked with pain, she doesn't see me anymore, only that of her child,who is within eye sight. I have to grab her, hold her, let her fight, let her scream, let her cry, let her collapse. I promise her that I will go be with her daughter. I will make sure she is treated as I would want someone to treat my baby boy. I tell her I will straighten her hair, I will make sure they are gentle when they place her on the gurney.. what can I do? My friend finds a very very small amount of comfort knowing that her "friend, Rexanne" is going to be with her daughter. My heart is broken, my spirit is low, what a waste, just like the infant boy.. so much life gone! I sit with the beautiful young lady, I quietly talk to her, I ask the medical examiner to take special care of her... he could care less, it's one more body, in the rain no less. I finally get sturn with him and tell him I know the young lady and I would appreciate a little compassion. He wraps her and takes her away... Penny and her husband leave with family to begin an unbelievably painful journey. Penny and I see each other from time to time and we still remember that day in the rain. I dream of that also, that red hair, blue eyes, and red rain water.
So this I know is a long blog... a sad blog... I am feeling sad. I am about to have to retire because meanness comes in all shapes and sizes. It seems the memories I have mean nothing, the kindness I truly tried to show doesn't matter, I have been told one too many times I am a weak officer, I need to...I need to quit trying to take the glory from the efforts of other officers. I am not worthy of a hello, or good enough for a little bit of credit for caring for the people of this town I have come to love. I will not be swayed by the thoughts of someone who has never held the dead baby and the mother, or know the fact that a child is scared because daddy beat mom the night before., I will not treat people like objects, I will not accept the comments that most of the parents in our small town are drunks and won't participate in helping their children, nor will I accept the continual mockery that I am a weak officer.
I have not hustled or asked for dates on duty,I have not damaged property, or brought shame on this town, nor have I tarnished this uniform I worked so hard to get to wear, and to have had the honor to wear.
My heart is sad, my tears are falling and my spirit is weak, but I will not let the meanness, insecurities of one situation change me. I no longer enjoy my job each day.. the people of our town deserve the best I can offer, and right now I have little to offer. I know there are those out there who appreciated then and will always remember my kindness, but for now the sorry situation wins, but I will rebound and I will find a way to win over this situation that has a title, that thinks it is allowed the privilege of lying to and about people, free rein on sarcasm and meanness. I will be called a disgruntled employee, a quitter, a bitch... all these I know are forthcoming. I don't care what some think, only what that of this town and my friends think, know, believe. Things to remember in past history there was someone with skinny lips, skinny build and a ugly moustache who believed he was building a perfect society at the expense of so many other good people. To my friends and family thank you for taking the time to listen maybe cry with me and to pray for me.
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